I'd gotten such a request from you. Obviously, I didn't! I don't get them weekly but I've gotten a small handful, always (as you describe) from people I wasn't planning on buying a birthday present for anyway. They come from people with whom my relationship is much like my relationship with, well, Deb Finn. People whose work I respect, people who I genuinely like, but people who I can't imagine asking for a job reference, let alone calling for a heart to heart about some important decision. Certainly not people who've ever been to my home. I've never thought it downright rude, but it does confuse me. I take requests seriously: if you ask me for something I don't ignore that. I might not give it, but I'll always think seriously about it. So at a minimum I suddenly have to <em>decide</em> not to give this person a birthday present. And that is a little invasive.

All of that said, I don't think it reflects on the cause so much as on the birthday girl.

When a lifelong friend died of cancer recently his family asked that in lieu of providing flowers for the funeral could we please donate the same $ amount to the Cancer Council. I found the request appropriate and respectful because it not only honoured his memory, it also honoured those who sought to help him.

Conversely…

When a former colleague whom I had not seen for nearly 10 years sent an email asking that I donate the value of her ‘birthday gift’ to xxx charity, I was more bemused than offended as not only did the request reflect poorly on her (I had no intention of buying her anything), it also suggested I somehow needed an excuse to donate to charity and should choose HER charity as my beneficiary. This was really rather condescending considering the $ amounts, time and effort I currently donate to other charities.

I think this is a very individual thing – In some situations it may be appropriate to ask people to donate to a cause; in other cases it is clearly inappropriate and likely to turn people away.

My fear is that, instead of finding new, edgy, creative, ways to achieve their mission, organizations will take the path of least resistance and resort to plain vanilla appeals to the lowest, common denominator. The "lowest, common, denominator" almost always being a euphemism for the dominant culture. (In 2009, in America, that would still be WASP and male, still, overwhelmingly.) Acting to avoid the risk of alienating people, organizations could actually help entrench it further.

Ettiquette "experts", such as Miss Manners, like to define their role as helping people avoid embarassment and conflict by educating people on accepted norms of behavior. But, "whose norms of behavior?" and "who accepts them?". Aren't they simply enforcers of the norms of the dominant culture?

Anyhow, the issue to me isn't what is the "accepted" way of doing things. The issue is how one behaves when cultures inevitably clash. Ideally, one expresses themselves honestly and authentically. If another finds it offensive, the objection is honestly and authentically brought up. Discussion ensues, understanding is reached. No need for an arbiter/imposer of dominant cultural norms.

Realistically, and particularly when one culture so overwhelmingly dominates, it gets very complicated very quickly. A situation that one person responds with "oh, she meant well, can't you just let it go?" or "that's only one or two objections, what was the overall response rate?" may yield a different response from someone who views it as yet another bias against them in a long line of biases. Unlike institutional biases faced everyday on fundamental levels, this one can be effectively responded to instantly: 1) DELETE 2) post/tweet/blog about how insensitive that appeal was, 3) Don't ever support that organization again.

One a week? Wow. I can see where that would be annoying. I've had about four in the past 15 months.

#1 Well respected colleague who could reasonably assume (based on other accolades) that people would want to honor her started a campaign around her birthday. I gave.

#2 The next year she did the same. I didn't give, but I didn't think any less of her.

#3, #4 - Online acquaintances sent out requests through Facebook that were obviously inappropriate. One rescinded the request as soon as she realized what had happened. [She/I are of an age where the application's asking for $1/year meant that the request was for more than I spend on a gift for my mother. I took that as a clue that the request had "escaped" and wasn't a serious campaign.]

I may have blocked the application so I haven't seen other requests -- or perhaps other friends are more careful. But in any event, I wouldn't think the less of the charity in question because of how someone tried to raise money for them.

I do agree that Changing the Present (where the donor takes the initiative) is a more helpful model.

Interesting thoughts here Deb. I like the fact that you thought it through and raised it to a public discussion.

I have sent and received such requests. I don't view them as requests that expect someone would buy me a birthday (or other) present and don't take them that way either.

I view them as an opportunity for someone to help me celebrate my special day (or I theirs) in a way that gives something to a charity I care about. Not having a lot to give myself, it's not something I do often but it is something I take seriously whenever a request comes in. I look at the charity and the opportunity it presents me to contribute and also say a warmer hello to someone I'm connected with.

I'll think more about this but hope my viewpoint provides another way to look at it as well.

Somewhat of a tangent but sitll in the ballpark. We have encouraged our kids to seek gifts offfline from their friends for our local FoodBank instead of trading gifts back and forth with friends. We know we are "choosing the charity" but the cause is a good comunity one which most are familar with. Also none of these kids need " one more Barbie" or Hannah Montana item.
We are hopeful that this encourages some philanthropic impulse.

One year the kids made the food bank newsletter for raising more than their weight in food when they had a Joint birthday which asked for food donations.

my 2 cents

A very interesting and thought provoking post Deborah. (Hope you're doing well btw! Long time..) I can't help but think that the best hustlers are those that hustle all the time and ask for money at every opportunity. They are known as such. Hopefully they also add a whole lot more to the conversation and if they do then their fundraising seems a little more cool to me. But that's just me. I really gotta think about what you've written here. Thanks for articulating such an under-considered perspective.

Giving and receiving gifts must be a reason of joy among close friends or relatives. It seems inappropriate to me to give a birthday gift to someone I don't know. In this case, money are out of the question completely. I guess the best way to hold an online fund raiser is to go out there and shout out to the people supporting your cause. This must be done in a decent manner and no one should feel offended or obligated to pay just because they know you. This shouldn't be a personal request but an announce that helping this cause is possible so that everybody still keeps their right of choice.Payday Loans